The Sardonic Psychiatrist
by Gambit's Nightmare
Summary: Silylfic! Sinister trapped in a woman's body, with the woman, acting as resident mental health professional for our favorite superheroes. Sequel to Rehabilitation.
1. Close Quarters

**The Sardonic Psychiatrist**

**Chapter 1 – Close Quarters**

"Would you SHUT the hell up, woman?" Sinister said out loud.

'_I didn't say anything. I can't talk, remember?' _Susan Jones countered. _'You're the one that stole my body. Put me back in that damn plant and stop pissing on me, damnit!'_

Sinister groaned and rolled his eyes. _'For the last time, woman – I do not like these living arrangements anymore than you do. It is necessary to have your psyche here so I can work without being detected by the telepaths. Now, please, silence yourself!'_

'_Living arrangements? Living arrangements? You're in MY BODY!' _Susan shrieked. _"With me!'_

Sinister struggled with Susan as they briefly vied for control of Susan's body. _'Stop this nonsense or…'_

Their struggle was interrupted when Beast walked into the makeshift office Xavier had set up for the new psychiatrist. "Hello, Dr. Jones, I'm Hank McCoy, very pleased to meet you."

"Let's have sex right now!" Susan yelled, gaining control of her body briefly.

'_NO! Don't you dare, woman!' _Sinister yelled.

Susan ignored his mental screams and stood, then unbuttoned her coat and looked into Hank's eyes. "The color blue turns me on." She said.

Hank gasped. "Oh my stars!" He made no effort to resist the lovely doctor, who was coming onto him like nothing he'd ever experienced before.

'_Susan! Do this and I will make sure you are miserable for the rest of your life!' _Sinister said, pleading with her.

Susan simply smiled and began stripping the big blue fur ball, ignoring the heightening screams from her 'mental roommate,' as Sinister had so easily labeled himself. _'Hey, Sinister. Ever wonder what it's like to be penetrated?'_

'_Oh Lord. Please do not do this.' _Sinister replied, his plea no more than a whimper as Susan kept her attention on the naked Beast in front of her.

Hank smiled. "How would you like a little Beast in you, Ms. Jones?"

"I'd like that very much." Susan said, throwing herself at him.

'_NONONONONONONONO!' _Sinister's pleas fell on deaf ears.

………………………………………………………………

'_Sinister, you still up there?'_ Susan finally asked. It had been hours since she'd heard the strange mutate invading her thoughts.

'_Yes.'_

'_You're quiet.' _Susan said, amused by his reaction.

'_You just made us have sex with an animal. A male animal.' _Sinister replied numbly. _'Do not think this will go unpunished.'_

After a rather long mental struggle, Sinister reassumed control of Susan's body and went up to Susan's bedroom at the mansion, which had been a guest room until that morning. He retrieved some equipment and a couple of small jars. He began to clean a section of Susan's torso with alcohol when Susan suddenly realized he was about to do something to her body.

'_What the fuck are you doing to me?' _Susan demanded.

Sinister grinned and laughed. _'Preventing you from another mishap like today's.' _He jammed the syringe into his arm. _'Oh look, I killed your libido!'_

'_Why? What kind of a fucked up idea is that?' _Susan yelled.

Sinister looked in the mirror. _'One I stole from you, I believe.' _He pulled some clothes out of the suitcase and went down the hall to the bathroom.

'_Stop touching me!' _ Susan yelled.

'_Do you know of a better way to shower?' _Sinister replied. _'You're lucky I don't use metal cleaning pad to remove all of your skin after what you just did. Besides, I can touch you if I want. This is my body now too.' _He pinched Susan's breasts_. 'OW! That does hurt.'_

'_No freaking crap, genius.'_ Susan hissed. _'What is your problem? Why can't you just apply for a job here in YOUR body?'_

Sinister grinned. _'I'm not well liked among the X-Men. Some minor matchmaking, baby-snatching, massacre, and a few other things. What can I say? Those moralistic bastards hold grudges.'_

'_Gee, I wonder why!' _Susan replied.

………………………………………………………………………

**Next Chapter: 'Girl Talk with Nathaniel Essex.'**

Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel.

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	2. Girl Talk

**The Sardonic Psychiatrist**

**Chapter 2 – Girl Talk**

'Susan,' being controlled by Sinister at present, sat in his office and neatly lined everything up on the desk. _'You would think those damn X-Men had a lot of mental problems.' _Sinister said to himself, only to have the tart doctor interrupt his analytical ponderings.

The door opened and Rogue sat down. "Ah've had enough of Remy. Sometimes, I just wanna hurt him!" She said. Then she quickly corrected herself. "But I'd nevah do it!"

'_I guess attempted murder doesn't count as injury these days.'_ He thought. "Now, what does Remy do that's so insufferable?"

"That damn Swamprat antagonizes me! Then, everybody feels sorry for him when I get mad!" Rogue said.

Sinister leaned back. "Did you ever consider the possibility that you deserve it? Really, men have needs you know."

'_Are you stupid? Remy is one of the most infuriating men I've ever met. I highly doubt she's to blame.' _Susan said to Sinsiter.

'_Silence, Wench.' _ Sinister retorted.

"What's that supposed to mean? It ain' ma fault I can't control my powers." Rogue said.

"Silence wench." Sinister said again, then quickly clapped his hand over his mouth. "I mean…" He viewed Rogue's angry expression and wanted to avoid a pummeling in the fragile human body he was living in. "…girl power." He whimpered.

Rogue arched a brow. "Ah don't know anymore. He says he loves me."

"Remy Lebeau said that, to you?" Sinister said. His interest in Remy was largely due to his genetic makeup and the contribution it could make to the gene pool. He did not, however, want Rogue's powers floating around in his well-maintained gene pool. "He's lying." Sinister said. "He told me that he lies to you during our sessions at the Rehabilitation Center. He's a dirty, filthy liar."

"Really?" She said, a hurt look on her face.

'_I can't believe she actually thinks you're telling the truth.' _Susan said.

Sinister retorted. _'Wench, I'm not the one that…'_

"We had sex!" Sinsiter exclaimed, remembering Remy's complaints about Susan. "He's got a mole on his dick."

'_How did you know that?'_ Susan asked.

'_I'm not answering that.' _Sinister replied.

Rogue gasped. "Ya think he'd lie to me?"

Sinister felt the powerful momentum of the 'Girl Talk' phenomenon and pushed it farther. "Girl, you know how men are. They lie once, and they can't ever be trusted." Rogue stood up and began to stomp off. "You go, girlfriend! Uh-huh!"

When the door closed, Sinister rolled out of the chair laughing and didn't stop for fifteen minutes. _'Wench, this is why men rule the world. Women are stupid.'_

………………………………………………………………

**Three Hours Later**

The door to Susan's office closed and Remy threw a charged chair across the room at the doctor. Then, readjusted the ice on his left eye.

Sinsiter ducked. "Why Remy, that's so ungentlemanly of you. That is no way to treat a lady."

"Y'not a lady. You're a mean whore. MEAN!" Remy yelled. "Why da hell did dat bastard let y'out of y'pot? Wait…" Remy blinked a few times. He walked out and went right out the front door. "Dey always underestimate empathy."

He maneuvered to what had been Sinister's local headquarters during his time with Essex, then broke in. There, laid out on a table, was Sinister's body. Remy shook his head, then smirked and dragged it back to his car. Stealing paintings was fun, stealing bodies was bizarre, but this particular heist gave him great satisfaction. The thought of Sinister STUCK in Susan's body almost brought him to tears laughing.

Meanwhile, at the mansion, Sinister rubbed the sides of his head. _'Your weak body and these headaches.'_

'_Yeah, about that, we need to talk.' _Susan said.

'_Well, what a better time than…being stuck in the same body?' _ Sinister replied. Susan was quiet. _'Out with it, Wench.'_

'_I might be pregnant.' _ She said.

Sinsiter angrily slammed down the folder. _'I think it's time for me to go back to my body.'_

………………………………………………………………**.  
**

**Next Chapter: Who's Y'Daddy? **

Disclaimer: Don't own Marvel.

Doza – This chapter was a little dull, but I wanted to set it up a little bit. Sinister trapped in a pregnant woman's body…it makes my cry and laugh all at once.  
Lumberjane – thanks! Hope you enjoy this chappie!  
utsuri – It's nice when someone thinks something is better than what they expected. It makes Iggy happy.  
BJ2 – Definitely crazy.  
cute lil' red head – I was temporarily banned from updating. My apologies.  
drkraven01 – Uhh…thanks. I think.  
Tokyo Fox – Insanity rocks.


	3. Who's y'Daddy

**The Sardonic Psychiatrist**

**Chapter 3 – Who's Y'Daddy?**

Sinister opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling, trying desperately not to move.

Susan laughed at him and did it for the fourth time that day. _'I just love the smell of rotten eggs, don't you? So poignant, like fermenting flesh on a hot summer…"_

Sinister bent over the trashcan next to his bed and puked. _'Damn you, Wench!' _He said to her as heinous laughter echoed through his head. _'As soon as this passes, I am going back to my body. And you…you are going to suffer. Suffer so very much. Do you even know who impregnated you, Wench?'_

'_Actually, if my calculations are correct, Remy or Logan would be obvious choices.' _Susan said.

'_Remy?' _Sinister said, suddenly interested. _'I never thought I could trust that boy to either exercise discretion OR to reproduce by choice. Although there is something fundamentally dysfunctional about being both this fetus' grandfather and mother at once. Very, very dysfunctional.'_

'_Hmph.' _Susan said, acknowledging what he'd said, but not particularly caring. _'Maybe Remy likes the smell of rotting—' _She cackled evilly as Sinister vomited again. _'That just doesn't get old, does it?'_

……………………………………………………………………………………

**6 PM**

"Remy? Dr. Jones would like to see you." Jean said as she walked into the rec room.

Remy took his sweet time making his way down to the lab, where Susan's office was. He smirked and sat down, looking up at Susan innocently. "What's da matter?"

Sinister leaned forward and rested his head on his hands. "Remy, I need to know where it is. This is of grave importance!" He said.

"Dr. Jones, what would y'be talkin' about?" Remy asked, playing dumb.

"My body!" Sinister yelled.

"What are y'talkin' about, Susan? Y'in your body!" Remy replied, smirking and, to Sinister then, seeming like the devil himself.

Sinister sighed. "Seriously Remy. As much as your DNA is a priceless commodity, I will blow you fucking head off if you don't tell me what I need to know, right this instant!"

Remy simply grinned wider. "Did y'drop an f-bomb? Sinny's desperate! Ha!"

"WHERE  
IS  
MY  
BODY!"

Sinister yelled, making even Susan's voice carry throughout the large lab. "You stole it. I want it back. NOW."

Remy shifted and picked up a Rubik's cube sitting on the corner of the desk, then played with it for a few moments. "Why y'accusin' Remy of dis?"

"Let's see...you are a thief, Remy. And, while you may not be intelligent, I do believe you understand that thieves steal things, correct?" Sinister said. "So, when something goes missing – more specifically something that wouldn't generally be misplaced, like my body – it's natural to suspect a thief took it."

"Oui." Remy said. "But if Remy knew y'was Sinny all dis time, why didn't he tell?"

Sinister stood up, crossed his arms, and walked to the other side of the desk, staring down at Remy. "You're a louse and an idiot. I do not attempt to understand your behavior."

Susan suddenly screamed in his head. _'Rotten eggs! Roadkill! Bloody flesh!'_

Remy shivered and sat still, stunned. "Y'just puked on me." He said. "Dis evil puke. Very evil. Remy gonna go kill hisself…Merde, what da hell were y'eatin'?" He said, wiping blue foam from his left cheek.

"Blueberry—"

'_Rotten eggs!'_ Susan screamed.

Remy ducked as Sinister puked yet again, this time in the chair. "Damnit Susan, shut the hell up!" He yelled out loud in complete frustration. "Remy, please! I must get out of this…gestational vessel of doom!"

"Susan's preggie?" Remy said. He laughed rudely for several minutes. "Man, dis da funniest shit that…wait…" His laugher melted into nervous despair as he counted on his fingers for a moment.

"My point exactly." Sinister replied. "I am not pleased with the concept of mothering your bastard child. That is a realm of dysfunctional that not even I wish to enter."

Their conversation was interrupted when Scott opened the door a bit and poked his head in. "Dr. Jones? Can I talk to you?"

"No." Sinister replied as an idea came to him. "Scott! Come here. I know that we have never been close, but I need your body."

Remy smirked as Scott raised his brows and stepped back, unaware of the actual problem. "Uh…The thing about it, Dr. Jones, is that I don't…I uh…I have a wife, and…uh…you're a crazy bitch." He stepped backwards and quickly left the room, hearing Remy's uproar of laughter as he went back upstairs. "Man, what the hell is going on with that woman? I like her better as a plant." Scott said to himself. "I wonder if she's abusing Remy again…"

Scot went upstairs and went to Logan's room, then opened the door just in time to see Logan kick 'Hot, Young Asians Monthly' under the bed. Scott simply stared, so Logan quickly yelled "I like 'em old! Real old!"

"Right…" Scott said. "Look, I don't care. I think we need to go rescue Remy, he's in Susan's office. Something really weird is going on in there."

The two men decided that Susan was not going to sexually abuse them on their turf, so they went back to Susan's office and stumbled upon a truly disturbing sight. Susan was on her knees in front of Remy, begging. "Give it to me, please! I need it! I'm begging you just please…have mercy on your fellow man and give it to me!"

"Non." Remy replied.

"MAN?" Logan growled. "You used to be a man? Holy shit!"

Sinister hung his head. "I used to be a man. And now I'm a woman. A pregnant woman."

Scott ground his teeth together and looked somewhat disgusted at the sight of Susan on her knees in front of Remy. "At least it isn't Sinister this time." He muttered.

Remy shifted. "Actually…" Logan and Scott shot him dirty looks.

"Mr. Sinsiter is living under our roof and you didn't bother telling anyone?" Scott asked.

"Non, something about admittin' t'everything we done at Rehab. Ain' nobody need to know those secrets." Remy replied. "So…'bout y'body."

Sinister's eyes brightened. "Yes?"

"Remy sold it." Remy said. "…to da Antiquary."

Sinister frowned. "You sold my body to a rapist and slave trader?"

"Oui."

Sinister taps his fingers on the desk. "It's a pity your bastard child will never know you."

"How d'ya even know it's mine?" Remy asked.

"Educated guess." Sinister said. "But, I can give you proof." He walked into the lab, stabbed himself in the torso. "Ouch, missed." Did it again. "Missed again, damnit." Finally he withdrew a small amount of liquid and looked at it under a microscope. "Disgusting." He said. _'Susan, you are a filthy, filthy whore.'_

'_Whatever. I don't think I asked to be possessed OR critiqued by some guy that makes a living by vivisecting others.' _Susan replied.

"Well," Sinister said. "Remy, I have some bad news. You have procreated with the worst possible mate on the entire planet. Congratulations."

"Merde."

"Yes, indeed." Sinister said. "Regardless, I need my body back. Surely, as men, you understand my plight."

"No, we don't." Logan said. "Because we're men."

"My point is this," Sinister said. "If you force me to give birth to Remy's spawn, I will kill you all."

……………………………………………………

Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel.

**Leave me Comments! And visit Iggyland, a forum under my profile. If you like my humor, go there. It will make me happy. **

Next Chapter: Susan gets back in the saddle, Sinister

Doza – Wheee! I hope you like this chapter, thanks for reviewing.  
BJ2 – Ha, Sinister, morning sickness…it's got all the comedy of a bad mpreg fic without actually being one.  
utsuri – Surely you know by now that I only write bizarre things.  
Tokyo Fox – Remy and Susan, two nutty nymphomaniacs. With a kid. Scary thoughts!  
cute lil red head -- I love writing this stuff. Whoever it is sucks greatly.


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